C.Cheshire started in net, with Woodbridge, Beer, Rowlands and Brazzil in front given the absence of the pale lanky Swede (who goes by the name of Ed Strang). Given, Humphrey and Wignall sat in the middle, with a front three of debutant Rendall, Foley and Peattie.

 

The term ‘blustery’ is usually associated in football with the Bet365 stadium in Stoke, but Clapham Common pitch 2 decided to reinvent the wheel. Storm Gareth, accompanied by the usual puddles, would eventually sweep the County out the cup.

 

Kicking with the wind to begin with, Vale made use of such conditions to mount early pressure. Peattie pressed diligently from the front, with Wignall spraying balls out wide to Foley and Rendall given the opportunity. At the back things were slightly different, as Beer set a new world record for consecutive sliced & botched clearances - thankfully none of which resulted in a chance for Mortlake. Brazzil also illustrated his unwavering commitment to the County, with a slide tackle directed head first at the boots of the onrushing Mortlake winger. Following more balls into the channel than Clapham girls who have touched the injured Beck’s, the first chance finally arrived - and with it, a goal.

 

Debutant Rendall, showing quick feet and a dive out of the Given textbook, drew a foul near the halfway line. Wiggy spotted Rowlands drifting out back post, and delivered the ball to him like Gerrard in his prime. Rowlands took one touch on the far side of the box before slotting it into the far corner (1-0). This writer will restrain from any further description, as Rowlands requested this match report solely for his goals. Odjija came on for the stricken Woodbridge before half time, and went to left back with Brazzil switching to the right.

 

HT: 1-0

 

The longest goal drought since Saido Berahino nearly came to an end a minute or two into the second half, with Peattie hitting the bar from Rowlands’ knockdown - as Vale briefly had sustained pressure heading into the wind.

 

With no more subs thanks to the weakness of Woodbridge’s hamstring and with Mortlake seemingly having an endless supply of substitutes, it was always going to be a tricky half. Most of this half seemed to be taken up with Callum Cheshire’s battle against the Clapham wind from the west. Goal kick after goal kick, merged into almost one kick, Cheshire refining his toe-punt/knuckle ball technique with every attempt. Rowlands and Beer kept Mortlake and their top scorer at bay for deep into the 2nd half, with Brazzil and Ojidja still adjusting to his role at left back having more touches of the ball with their hands from throw ins such was the difficulty in keeping the ball in play from both sides.

 

A particular and one of little highlights of the 2nd half was where a Mortlake attack resulted in a shot being parried away from Cheshire to another Mortlake player who drilled a cross back in which was first cleared off the line from Rowlands, onto Humphrey’s knee, then headed off the line by Rowlands, who then headed the ball again this time a little bit higher before completing his hat trick of goal line headers and seal impersonation, after which the ball was cleared away.

 

After 80 minutes, the Vale defence was finally broken in the most simplest of ways. A wind assisted kick from the Mortlake keeper caught Beer unaware to allow the opposition striker to volley past Cheshire (1-1).

 

With both teams looking to settle for extra time, one final chance fell to Vale with a goalmouth scramble first with Foley having a goal bound shot block before Rowlands couldn’t quite stretch his lazy left leg to connect with what would have been a certain goal.

​

FT: 1-1

 

A fatigued Vale conceded minutes into extra time, with a ball in from the left not being cleared and it falling to the Mortlake 21 to swing his giant rugby thigh at the ball into the net (1-2). We were later notified from a keeper participating in the match next door that the 21 was in fact offside, cheers lino Beck. Mortlake continued to reign havoc on Vale with a 3rd goal looking more and more likely which did come as a definite cross was mishit onto the bar as the Vale defence could only look on as it fell to a Mortlake player from 2 yards out (3-1). Vale pushed for a goal back with Rowlands going up top and Humphrey sitting deeper in midfield. It looked as though a 4th Mortlake goal and surely a goal to kill the game, somehow hitting both posts and missing numerous other chances.

 

A less than perfect refereeing performance was summed up when Beer not even on his feet after receiving treatment down the other end of the field, Mortlake were allowed to restart play by our referee Mr Kim Young-Ki. Kim, one of the quietest mice ever to crawl across the planet, was then promptly shouted at (several times) and probably with spit as a side dish by messrs Humphrey ‘What areYOUDOING!’ and Wignall ‘You’re not EVENFUCKINGWATCHINGTHEGAME!’. Did he give a fuck? Absolutely not.

 

After extra time half time, Debutant James Rendall went close on a few occasions with the Mortlake right back not being able to deal his pace running with the ball, his only way of stopping the ‘Rendog’ was being scythed down on numerous occasions which finally warranted a yellow card. Handbags swiftly followed with the Mortlake keeper clearly finding himself lost outfield as he came to add his two pence worth, which Peattie would later return in favour very soon. From this free kick it was Humphrey not Wignall who provided the exquisite ball to find Rowlands... 

 

..as this is a game we heartbreakingly lost, our resident reporter Mr Barnaby Woodbridge’s commitment to finishing this report is similar to Fraser Foley’s commitment to help putting up the nets at 10am. This writer (who happens to be the scorer of both goals) for some reason has a greater desire to finish this report than Woodbridge, I can’t fathom why...

 

As such, it is hard for myself to describe what followed Humphrey’s ball onto the edge of the area, from this writer’s point of view, Rowlands flung himself at the travelling ball and was unaware of what happened next as he crashed into the cabbage patch of pitch 2. Described back to myself, the ball had arrowed into the top corner leaving the goalkeeper transfixed on what he’d just seen. Foley described it ‘as the best header I’ve ever seen’ and this reporter will end this trumpet blowing with those words (3-2). As the Vale players rushed back to get the game restarted, Peattie finally found the target this season with a pinpoint Joey Barton elbow to the back of our previously lost keeper and received his 2nd yellow card of the season.

​

HT-ET: 2-3

 

With the movement of Vale’s players diminishing with every second, Mortlake took advantage and finally put one of their chances away at the back post (4-2).

 

There was still time left for Given to received a yellow card for preventing the keeper kicking the ball out. Unfortunately for Given he run’s the club’s accounts and will probably end up paying for that yellow himself.

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ET-FT: 2-4

 

Our Donovan Thomas Cup run coming to an end in just the second round to complete a disappointing performance in cups this season, especially for a side with such cup history in Birmingham. Sadly, the road to Sutton ends but the road to League 3 is very much open as we just need one more win to secure promotion.

 

#utc

 

FT: 2-4  (Rowlands (20, ET:11))

 

Floom Men of the Match Award: Rowlands & Wignall

 

Solfix Dick of the Day Award:   Unknown