C.Cheshire started in net, with Brazzil, Strang, (Captain) Rowlands and Frank starting together for the first time, given the absence of Woodbridge and Beer. Kerball, Given and Allen sitting in front as Young and Wignall started either side of Peattie.

 

Vale started the game off well, applying pressure without creating too many clear cut chances. Allen was spraying the ball as if he was playing in Daniel Farke’s Norwich of this season, with Given and Kerball offering up at everyone opportunity. Balls over the top to Josh ‘Tucky’ Tucker were causing Vale problems on the break, but the pale, lanky, unflappable Swede Strang and Captain Rowlands were strong in the tackle and prevented any clear cut chances for the league’s top scorer. 1 in 3 apps against us eh Joshy boy.

 

Then, the unthinkable happened. Kerball played a couple of quick one-twos on the edge of the box, before bursting through and sliding Peattie in. A touch, followed another touch, and the ball rolled into the back of the Mortlake net (1-0). If ever there was an example of a player not knowing what to do with himself at such a moment - it was thus. We love you JP9. The domain owner of www.dayssincepeattielastscored.com was said to be inconsolable, with its value having steadily risen since September - only for it now to be rendered worthless. We’re now expecting the drought to mark the beginning of a goal flurry, and an influx of trigger happy Southern Sunday fantasy managers to triple captain you for the match against Balham Badgers.

 

Can’t remember the rest of the half, my mind was frazzled by the above events.

 

HT: 1-0

 

The second half was solid if unspectacular up until the final 15 minutes. Both Young and Wignall went extremely close with long range efforts following botched clearances from the Mortlake keeper - both obviously aware that there is a goal of the season award at the end of the season.

 

Mortlake’s #20 was a unit by all accounts, and caused trouble with his physical prowess - Strang no doubt thinking he had ‘a nice physique’. Having hit the post, he then won a penalty following a questionable tangle with Cheshire. Cal was close to keeping the resulting spot-kick out - but unfortunately not quite close enough (1-1).

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As the game drew on, Rowlands was sent up top for the final 5 minutes. He immediately broke through the defence before drawing a fine save from the keeper. Then, moments later, he had the ball in the back of the net… and the goal was disallowed for reasons still unknown. Strang lept like an Ikea pencil with the keeper, and the ball bounced against the bar, before Rowlands tucked in the rebound. Unaware of the Kew Antigua B score, and knowing a win was necessary if they slipped up, jubilation followed. However, the referee decided to rule it out for a foul on the goalkeeper following (more) moans from the Mortlake players. This writer slightly embarrassed himself running onto the pitch to celebrate the goal that never was, and was subsequently abused by the substituted Mortlake captain. All I’ll say is enjoy captaining Team Tucky in League 4 for another year you little prick x.

 

If this had been a play-off, you would compare it to the DDEEEEENAAYYYY moment of Watford vs Leicester a few years ago. From the resulting play, Mortlake went up the other end and scored - sparking a pile on from their team in the corner (1-2). Commentators would be going mad for this match with ‘the feel of a cup tie’, as it became strictly end to end football. From the kick off, Young then received a high foot inside the box - and it was a penalty to THE MIGHTY COUNTY. The ref still wasn’t sure though, so decided to go to the Mortlake linesman, who happens to be the father of one of the players? Can’t possible imagine which way he’d like the decision to go. All we want is consistency from officials, so either they’re all parents of players or none of them are @FA. Thankfully he showed a bit of bottle to stand by this decision. Tin Kerball stepped up, and scored her first goal since her gender reassignment surgery and name change (2-2). There was even time for Rowlands to crack a half-volley into the arms of the Mortlake keeper, but the match finished all square.

 

FT: 2-2

 

Our chance of a title this season is over, but not for the want of trying. Promotion this season was the primary aim, and that has been achieved. Our final game of the season is on the 28th against the Badgers - and then we move on to the far more important VCFC EOSS (End of Season Social).

 

#utc

 

FT: 2-2 Peattie, (38), Slater, (90+2)

 

Floom Man of the Match Award: Peattie & Rowlands

 

Solfix Dick of the Day Award: Foley