Balham Badgers 2-7 Vale County 

The county lined up in an unfamiliar 4-4-1 formation for the match. A.Cheshire, sporting a Wigan Athletic kit, lined up in goal, with Galvin, Strang, Beer and Woodbridge (c) in front. A midfield four of Moran, Slater, Given and Young was supplemented by Rowlands up top.

 

As the match kicked off, on the dusty, hard surface of Wimbledon Common, it quickly became apparent the mighty VALE WERE BLOODY UP FOR THIS ONE. A fast start saw Rowlands create something out of nothing, making the most of coming up against the only player slower in the SSFL than him in the Badgers’ podgy centre back. Indeed, there was a bit of handbags between the two as they argued who’s FUT speed rating should be higher – and a push from their centre back was seen as a concession of defeat. Badgers, as you would expect with a man advantage, were seeing some joy when popping the ball about quickly – but Slater and Given were more often than not snapping at their heels as perennial alligators. Hard work and persistence from all those out there led to the first goal midway through the half. A free kick from Moran was dropped onto the pale, lanky forehead of Strang and into the net (0-1). You might have thought the Vale would drop off and try to defend such a lead on a large pitch against a good team with 10 men – but you obviously haven’t seen us play if such trivial activity enters your mind. We pushed on and following a nice move down the left which eventually led to Slater picking out Rowlands in the box who half skillfully, half fortunately, found himself a couple of yards out to stab home as he wheeled away laughing at the opposition fatty (0-2).

 

The Badgers’ central midfield duo began to turn the screw after going two goals down, and after flashing a couple of shots just wide of Cheshire’s goal, one of them screamed home a volley from an improbable angle (1-2). He celebrated like he did it every week – newsflash for you fella, if you did that every week you wouldn’t be languishing in the murky lower realms of SSFL League 4. Minutes later though, the other centre midfielder (Given's 'ooooh football friend' and Vale County summer transfer target) fired one into the bottom corner to send the teams in level at half-time (2-2).

 

HT: 2-2

 

The second half looked like it would be a real test of character for the county, but, fuelled by Given’s Percy Pigs, the team came roaring out for the second 45 minutes. 10 minutes in the ball was switched from Young on the right through Slater and Rowlands to the left wing where Moran beat his man and fired home from close range to end the season on 10 goals, our very own answer to Andy Johnson in the 2004/05 season (2-3). It’s hard to say what the Badgers were doing at this point. Were they trying their hardest and being blown away by an exemplary Vale performance? Or were they just bottling the opportunity to take a scalp from a great club? Nonces. What we do know is that a goal that this writer can’t remember was scored by Rowlands (a goal this editor can remember, a corner swung in from the right was met by Rowlands' head, beating 'Samwell Tarly' again to power the ball into the ground and into the net) with a little fist bump as he knew his charge for the Golden Boot was in a good place (2-4). Woodbridge received a yellow card for his customary once a season rugby tackle from Ann-Marie (who had a good match as referee (no dinosaurs here @richardkeys)), before acrobatically clearing off the line (it was going in @strangy6).  Cheshire drew a yellow card from the Badgers #11, who got in the way of a kick from his hands – a deserved victory for all the Cheshires’ shithousery across the course of the season.

 

Moments later, it was clear why he had blocked Alistair Ederson’s delivery, as the rout continued. Cheshire pumped the ball long to Slater, who was in the clear (Badgers defenders, take a look at yourselves), and he calmly slotted home to enter double figures for the season (2-5). A Cheshire assist saw him enter the SSFL League 4 fantasy team of the week, with bonus points for 3 saves also added. With the last game of the season meandering to full time, there were only two Vale players looking to score. Rowlands' was after a very rare hat-trick and Beer was after an even rarer first goal of the season. A late corner for Vale clearly showed this as Rowlands and Beer were the only players to take their places in the Badger's box. As Young swung in another inviting delivery, Beer and the two Badgers all challenged and missed the ball giving Rowlands freedom of Balham for his third goal, chesting down in the box before slotting into the side netting (2-6). The first Vale 11-a-side hat-trick since Vale legend JS7 in the 2014/15 season as Rowlands' was more than keen to point out at the pub afterwards. Anyone who had him as top scorer for the season will be disappointed to know that their bet is void, as he scored exclusively against farmers throughout the season.

 

With the score at 2-6, and minutes to go before the season was over, it was time for Beer to try and break his Vale duck with a well fed and tiring Rowlands' dropping back to defence making way for Beer upfront. Would he remain on the list of non-scorers for Vale, along with Luke Turone and Tommy Good, for another year? Or would he join the likes of Jake Peattie on one goal? Given gave him odds of 50/1 as Beer flew up the pitch with a pace brought about by adrenaline, hovering on the last man. Then, as Given ‘broke’ into the box, he reluctantly squared it to Beer – roughly 7 yards out. Leaning back, he side footed a shot into the roof of the net to blow the metaphorical roof off the common (2-7). JB5 – you have entered the pantheon of Vale goalscorers. We welcome you. 1 goal in 5 minutes – equates to 18 a match, 224 over the course of a season. JB9 for 2019/20…?

 

FT: 2-7  (Strang (26), Rowlands (32, 63, 88), Moran (57), Slater (78), Beer (90+1)

 

Floom Man of the match: Rowlands

 

Solfix Dick of the day: Humphrey

 

43 points from 18 games sees us finish 3 points behind champions Kew Antigua B, with both teams promoted to the SSFL League 3. The summer break will see us search for a new pitch, finalise multi-year contracts with (some of) the squad, design a new kit and ensure this great club is well set to challenge for another promotion next season.

 

An end of season report / poem will be produced in the upcoming weeks, for those who wish to relive some of the 2018/19 season in their pathetic little minds.

 

Thank you to all who played for VCFC during the season – we hope it made your Sunday mornings slightly better than without it. It’s been a pleasure, and we look forward to welcoming you back in September.

 

Barney x