Brockley 1-5 Vale County
Mottingham Sports Ground
03/11/19
Vale march on to the next round of the London Cup following a comprehensive victory away at Brockley FC. On the pitch Brockley’s infighting and lack of direction taught us nothing, but off-pitch they gave us an important lesson: YouTube channels and free kick videos mean nothing.
Starting XI
A.Cheshire started in net, with Woodbridge, Beer, Beck and McNicholas across the back. Dolby (sporting the lesser spotted VCFC bubblegum kit - pink socks with blue shorts and shirt), Slater and Walmsley were in midfield, with Foley and Young either side of Rowlands in a 4-3-3.
The long corridor of a pitch suited Vale from the off, able to exploit the space between the lines through Slater, Dolby and Walmsley. Vale were comfortable on the ball early on, and a delightful ball over the top from Walmsley following a Rowlands pass found Young, who raced clear before finishing smartly (0-1).
Dolby, having managed to not shit himself thus far, then produced a sumptuous ball for Walmsley to flick on to Rowlands, who lumbered free and finished well - continuing his 100% scoring record against farmers (0-2). Vale were running Brockley ragged with quick passing and balls down the wings, and Rowlands was denied a second by the keeper, where a penalty looked like it should’ve come instead.
The battering continued as Foley pressed well down the left channel, forcing the Brockley defender into an error and mixup with the keeper, before unselfishly squaring to Young, whose goat yoga session last week has evidently served him well (0-3).
The back four were keeping Brockley’s forwards quiet, and going forward some good combination play down the right ended with Woodbridge finding Rowlands from the floor, who lofted a ball over to Walmsley - whose touch was true and finish pure (0-4). Four-nil, and the Brockley fans were increasingly losing faith. Cheshire indulged in some cheeky stepovers whilst waiting for a Brockley player to press him, sending the Vale fans (the players) wild.
'Cristiano RonALdo'
HT: 4-0
Walmsley made it 5 (five) to kill off the tie for good, dispatching Slater’s pass well past the keeper with an outside of the boot finish (0-5). The video camera was taken down at this point, the film no doubt making its way to a niche section of Pornhub some time soon.
Brockley defenders to Vale when they ask for another goal
Having had one warning sign with a pass moments earlier, Vale were done by a ball in behind down the right - and Cheshire was beaten to the ball by the Brockley winger, who made a meal out of it, but won the penalty regardless. Up stepped the increasingly fascinating captain, who dispatched it without a single player congratulating him after (1-5). He was similarly unmoved by his goal - producing roulettes inside his own half at 1-5 down. In the words of his teammate though, ‘what else is he meant to do?’. A question with so many answers.
The ultimate humiliation was nearly applied to Brockley, as Woodbridge nearly got in on the act, but the keeper pushed Walmsley’s shot following a nice move just out of reach. The game descended ever more gradually into nothingness: Beck and Beer must’ve come close to the record number of passes between Vale players in any one match, as Brockley’s opposition to anything close to a press allowed Vale to dictate possession at will. Slater urged Vale on for the final 5 minutes, reminding us it’s a good time to get some cardio in.
McNicholas was tackled (well) by a dog on the left touchline, as the game drew to a close. The referee called full-time, and congratulated Vale on being ‘ultra-compact’ - although in all honesty that was more down to Brockley’s openness than to Vale’s shape. Indeed, Brockley continued arguing well after the final whistle in an angry post-mortem.
Kew Antigua’s loss in the SSFL League 3 made it an even better day for Vale, although the wait for a nomination in the SSFL Team of the Week continues (disgrace). We await Brockley’s film of the game in the meantime, as we move onto the social next week, where Khan’s know what awaits.
FT: 1-5 Young (15,30), Rowlands (23), Walmsley (35,61)
Floom Man of the Match Award: Dolby
Solfix Dick of the Day Award: Clements
EXTRA TIME
This week: The big lanky Swede becomes the big lanky meth-head.
Walter very pale and white