The starting line up saw Beck (minus a fully functional toe) start in goal, with Woodbridge, Beer, Rowlands and Brazill sitting in front. Given and the returning Humphrey (having served his suspension) sat in the middle, with Young, Moran and Foley behind Clements.

 

The pale, lanky frame of Strang was even more pale than usual, following a bout of flu for the Swede over the past week. His words following the game were thus ‘why the fuck didn’t I stay in bed?’. Couldn’t agree more Edward.

 

The warning signs were there before the game for VCFC, as Woodbridge was asked to okay Morden registering two players prior to the game there and then. We can’t be sure which two were emergency loan signings, but we can be sure that we won’t be signing them anytime soon. When the game kicked off, it quickly became apparent that anything less than a comprehensive victory within the 90 minutes would be an embarrassment to our great club.

 

Morden played both a high line, narrow midfield, lone striker - and also awfully - which gave Given and Humphrey time to consistently spread the ball wide to both wings, with Woodbridge and Foley down the right in particular being given the freedom of south London. The first chance came from Foley setting Woodbridge free down the right, who crossed into Young, who powered a header towards goal from the edge of the area which was deflected wide. If it had gone in, fans would only have been chanting one thing, wouldn’t they Charlie?

‘We are Vale, Super Vale, We are Vale from Clapham Common’

Moving on... minutes later the effervescent Foley poked a ball through to Clements, who dutifully tucked away (0-1). The goal only served to cause strain on his love life though, with Mrs Clements missing the goal only to arrive later - much to Samuel’s displeasure. Morden briefly caused panic at the back for Vale following a long clearance - and with Beck unable to charge forward with his usual pace akin to Adama Traore, a Morden attacker got a shot away which Beck saved well. The waves of pink and black attacks continued, with chances created almost every time the mighty Vale charged forward. Foley crossed into Clements following a spell of possession, and his flick found Rowlands, who had forgotten he was playing centre back, who tapped in from a yard out (0-2). The only further action of note in the half came when Vale were denied a clear penalty, as a Morden defender blatantly saved a cross - and in all honesty it wouldn’t have been surprising if he thought you were allowed to do that, such was the level.

 

HT: 0-2

 

Despite our best attempts to even out the game and start with 10 for the second half, Slater, Scallan and Strang replaced Brazill, Foley and Beck. The match continued in a similar vein, with Vale dominating possession and creating all the chances. VCFC’s third arrived shortly into the second half, with a move involving the majority of the team ending with Moran driving home Young’s through ball (0-3). As the game went on, more and more questions about the match entered Vale players’ minds:

 

• Were Morden actually just Bull Ring Tavern?

• How old and who was the random old farmer acting as lino?

• How many men could we have played with and still won?